Drifting...?!
Sometimes I really wonder what kindof person I actually am. I dont seem to know what Im doing sometimes even if I know it in my heart that it may be wrong, but Ill still carry on. Today I had a quarrel with my bf again over a small matter. This has been happening all the time. And then we will argue over it for very long. The next thing he will say is why cant I take the initiative to give in, why must he always be the one>? And then he'll say that he thinks that our relationship is a very one way thingie, whereby Im always the one receiving and he is the one always giving in. But I really wonder whats the point of giving in when actually you dont even feel like giving in?? Giving in with such reluctance and continuously complaining about it. At times I think that he can be really petty, I wish he can be more patient with me sometimes. Im know Im a little hot tempered, but I hope he can try to comfort me sometimes, but he'll end up getting even more angry than me. However Im not saying that I have never been petty and I also did not disagree that I dont like to give in...Maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I somehow feel that guys should be gentlemen enough to be the the one who should be giving in to us the so called "little women"in their eyes.
The kind of guy I want is someone who can be really patient with me even if I throw my little tantrums...though I may make it appear like I dont really care, but deep down in my heart I know all the little things that u have done. I wish that he accept me as this kind of person. I hope he can be like this.
Though I know that my bf has changed alot for me as compared to the past..I appreciate that. But the part about us always quarreling over small matters is always that something bothering me, that keeps me thinking if we are reallly suitable for each other and go on a long term relationship. And because there is this barrier in my heart, my mind and heart tends to loiter around. But at the same time I can't totally blame him for feeling that Im always not wanting to give in. I know that in a relationship its all about give and take and he has been reminding me about that. But maybe Im just too used to receiving thats why I tend to find it difficult and refuse to give in and bring down my pride. He likes to say that I am a woman of ego...Am I really like that? Im not too sure actually... He says that I have split personality, cause I can be really angry one moment and then in less than a minute I can be changing a topic and talking like whatever argument or unhappy thing that happened a minute ago didnt even take place at all..Its something he finds it hard to accept..I also have no idea why am i like that.... I guess its probably the surroundings and society that has turned me to be like that. Or it may even be because of my previous relationship which I dun wish to mention again. But despite me not wanting to be rememebered of the things in the past, sometimes late at night when I just simply can't get to sleep, things from the past will just flash pass my mind and make me feel really down suddenly. I think its really all these that turned me into someone who can be totally ignorant sometimes and to just pretend like it never happened.
Like in my previous blogs..Ive mentioned about someone whom I have a crush on. The feeling is still there whenever I see him. But I know it clearly that we can never make it together and I have not mentioned it to anyone other than the ones who has read my blog. But sometimes I have this crazy little thought in me... Like say if he is interested in me too but he has commitment to his gf/fiance but if he takes the initative to ask me out I just might end up having this third party "underground relationship" with him. Like I have said earlier, sometimes I know that it is something that is not right and should not be done but Ill still carry on with it. This is what I mean... If that were really going to happen I think in the end Ill again end up getting hurt and hurting someone (my bf)...ANd IF that were really to happen that someone that I hurt will hate me for a lifetime....I know he will.
BUT NO...it will not happen at all cause its just a crazy thought I have...
MAYbe now what I should be thinking of is to try changing the bad side of me for my own good.
Perhaps to guys its really intolerant to have a girlfriend who doesnt like to give in, but of cos I hope such a guy will exist...Hopefully thats what my future husband can be...But he cant be too bad looking too...hahaz...(grinz cheekily)
Perhaps for now, I shall just try to maintain this current relationship I have. And hopefully when its time when this relationship has reached the ending point...we both can still be friends or even good friends.I wish.... =)
The kind of guy I want is someone who can be really patient with me even if I throw my little tantrums...though I may make it appear like I dont really care, but deep down in my heart I know all the little things that u have done. I wish that he accept me as this kind of person. I hope he can be like this.
Though I know that my bf has changed alot for me as compared to the past..I appreciate that. But the part about us always quarreling over small matters is always that something bothering me, that keeps me thinking if we are reallly suitable for each other and go on a long term relationship. And because there is this barrier in my heart, my mind and heart tends to loiter around. But at the same time I can't totally blame him for feeling that Im always not wanting to give in. I know that in a relationship its all about give and take and he has been reminding me about that. But maybe Im just too used to receiving thats why I tend to find it difficult and refuse to give in and bring down my pride. He likes to say that I am a woman of ego...Am I really like that? Im not too sure actually... He says that I have split personality, cause I can be really angry one moment and then in less than a minute I can be changing a topic and talking like whatever argument or unhappy thing that happened a minute ago didnt even take place at all..Its something he finds it hard to accept..I also have no idea why am i like that.... I guess its probably the surroundings and society that has turned me to be like that. Or it may even be because of my previous relationship which I dun wish to mention again. But despite me not wanting to be rememebered of the things in the past, sometimes late at night when I just simply can't get to sleep, things from the past will just flash pass my mind and make me feel really down suddenly. I think its really all these that turned me into someone who can be totally ignorant sometimes and to just pretend like it never happened.
Like in my previous blogs..Ive mentioned about someone whom I have a crush on. The feeling is still there whenever I see him. But I know it clearly that we can never make it together and I have not mentioned it to anyone other than the ones who has read my blog. But sometimes I have this crazy little thought in me... Like say if he is interested in me too but he has commitment to his gf/fiance but if he takes the initative to ask me out I just might end up having this third party "underground relationship" with him. Like I have said earlier, sometimes I know that it is something that is not right and should not be done but Ill still carry on with it. This is what I mean... If that were really going to happen I think in the end Ill again end up getting hurt and hurting someone (my bf)...ANd IF that were really to happen that someone that I hurt will hate me for a lifetime....I know he will.
BUT NO...it will not happen at all cause its just a crazy thought I have...
MAYbe now what I should be thinking of is to try changing the bad side of me for my own good.
Perhaps to guys its really intolerant to have a girlfriend who doesnt like to give in, but of cos I hope such a guy will exist...Hopefully thats what my future husband can be...But he cant be too bad looking too...hahaz...(grinz cheekily)
Perhaps for now, I shall just try to maintain this current relationship I have. And hopefully when its time when this relationship has reached the ending point...we both can still be friends or even good friends.I wish.... =)
posted by yoshi at 1:05 AM
2 comments
