Drifting...?!

Sometimes I really wonder what kindof person I actually am. I dont seem to know what Im doing sometimes even if I know it in my heart that it may be wrong, but Ill still carry on. Today I had a quarrel with my bf again over a small matter. This has been happening all the time. And then we will argue over it for very long. The next thing he will say is why cant I take the initiative to give in, why must he always be the one>? And then he'll say that he thinks that our relationship is a very one way thingie, whereby Im always the one receiving and he is the one always giving in. But I really wonder whats the point of giving in when actually you dont even feel like giving in?? Giving in with such reluctance and continuously complaining about it. At times I think that he can be really petty, I wish he can be more patient with me sometimes. Im know Im a little hot tempered, but I hope he can try to comfort me sometimes, but he'll end up getting even more angry than me. However Im not saying that I have never been petty and I also did not disagree that I dont like to give in...Maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way, but I somehow feel that guys should be gentlemen enough to be the the one who should be giving in to us the so called "little women"in their eyes.

The kind of guy I want is someone who can be really patient with me even if I throw my little tantrums...though I may make it appear like I dont really care, but deep down in my heart I know all the little things that u have done. I wish that he accept me as this kind of person. I hope he can be like this.
Though I know that my bf has changed alot for me as compared to the past..I appreciate that. But the part about us always quarreling over small matters is always that something bothering me, that keeps me thinking if we are reallly suitable for each other and go on a long term relationship. And because there is this barrier in my heart, my mind and heart tends to loiter around. But at the same time I can't totally blame him for feeling that Im always not wanting to give in. I know that in a relationship its all about give and take and he has been reminding me about that. But maybe Im just too used to receiving thats why I tend to find it difficult and refuse to give in and bring down my pride. He likes to say that I am a woman of ego...Am I really like that? Im not too sure actually... He says that I have split personality, cause I can be really angry one moment and then in less than a minute I can be changing a topic and talking like whatever argument or unhappy thing that happened a minute ago didnt even take place at all..Its something he finds it hard to accept..I also have no idea why am i like that.... I guess its probably the surroundings and society that has turned me to be like that. Or it may even be because of my previous relationship which I dun wish to mention again. But despite me not wanting to be rememebered of the things in the past, sometimes late at night when I just simply can't get to sleep, things from the past will just flash pass my mind and make me feel really down suddenly. I think its really all these that turned me into someone who can be totally ignorant sometimes and to just pretend like it never happened.

Like in my previous blogs..Ive mentioned about someone whom I have a crush on. The feeling is still there whenever I see him. But I know it clearly that we can never make it together and I have not mentioned it to anyone other than the ones who has read my blog. But sometimes I have this crazy little thought in me... Like say if he is interested in me too but he has commitment to his gf/fiance but if he takes the initative to ask me out I just might end up having this third party "underground relationship" with him. Like I have said earlier, sometimes I know that it is something that is not right and should not be done but Ill still carry on with it. This is what I mean... If that were really going to happen I think in the end Ill again end up getting hurt and hurting someone (my bf)...ANd IF that were really to happen that someone that I hurt will hate me for a lifetime....I know he will.
BUT NO...it will not happen at all cause its just a crazy thought I have...
MAYbe now what I should be thinking of is to try changing the bad side of me for my own good.
Perhaps to guys its really intolerant to have a girlfriend who doesnt like to give in, but of cos I hope such a guy will exist...Hopefully thats what my future husband can be...But he cant be too bad looking too...hahaz...(grinz cheekily)
Perhaps for now, I shall just try to maintain this current relationship I have. And hopefully when its time when this relationship has reached the ending point...we both can still be friends or even good friends.I wish.... =)

Money = Degree? Kinship? Everything??

It has been a really long time since I last wrote about my feelings... Today I'm feeling especially down cos I met up with a few of my poly friends (those whom i'll always remember for they ever picked me up when I was at my lowest pt in life) They are already in their 2nd week in Uni...I feel this surge of disgrace in my heart.... feeling so LOW deep inside me...Hearing them talk about their studies and stuff... I thought to myself helplessly..."how i wish i could pursue my degree just like them!" However I know it is not possible... "When will I be able to earn that 15K to pay for half of the cost of my degree?!" I feel so useless earning a pathetic sum of 800 over bucks per month doing temporary job now. How much will i be able to save...??!

MONEY is really a very sensitive issue. Eversince I started working, my mum calculates with me every single cent that she has paid for me for the things I bought... With the 800 bucks i earn per month, I have to pay for my meals,transport,bills, daily neccessities which can easily add up to say around 500bucks... I know she expects me to give her money as well....but when i give too little (e.g 100 bucks) she will be unhappy... How much would I be left with per month to save???? Not even to talk about buying new things. And just yesterday she came into my room just to tell me that I am to pay for my own insurance otherwise she will just cancel the insurance/probably she will continue to pay until the policy breakeven and she will withdraw back all the money...How REALISTIC can HUMAN get when It comes to money....?! At that instant, i felt so saddened and a gush of heartache just unknowingly came attacking me. Why cant she try to understand me like how she always try to accomodate my brother. Why is it that we can never communicate with each other..I really Wonder where does the problem lies...sigh..

I'm seriously feeling very very helpless...as much as I wish I can get my degree soon...but yet I'm totally lost in the mediterrean ocean. There are many things that I want to accomplish...
like getting a driving license. But money comes into the picture once again...Another sum of money that I have to fork out on my own unlike my brother who got it paid by my mum... I guess the most beneficial achievement I made during my poly days after a series of incidents that had happened...Is that I have learnt to be a much more independent person and I have become "stronger". I wish that I can be financially independent very soon too with lesser struggles to make ends meet... Now I'm constantly reminding myself "I own my Life...I have to make my own achievements and I want to make it possible to live the way I want my Life to be... "

Reflections_

Sometimes when i just sit down and reflect on my past and the incidents that took place, i will unknowingly think of u. Ill start to ponder...

Can i really tell myself that I no longer hate u...? Its been so long, almost reaching a yr, but can i really face u, if i bump into u in the streets one day.? I gave myself a few seconds to picture that scenerio. I cant imagine how would it be... Cos i probably wont even wana see u ever again...I wish u could just disappear from my life, like ive never met u before...

At this instant...it seems as if i could feel the scar u left behind in my heart. Do u have any idea how much agony U have brought to my life...? the aftereffects that u have inflicted on me...the fear of loving...the fear of giving...the fear of stepping forward to someone right there in front of me all prepared to receive me with a hug, all prepared to shower me with all his love and care.. THis thing that pulls me back is all BCOS of U... do i have no reasons to hate u..?! I Have all the reasons to list to hate u for everything u have done...
As much as i Wish i could just hate u with all my heart and soul... but i always fail to do so...cos its just too tired to hate someone and hate someone whom u had loved so much...it would be just too tired...

The things happening around me, the reality of life...the ever changing world and the hypocrisy of mankind, the cruelty of people who cant wait to see each other "dead".. How ugly can human get...? All these disheartening incidents happening around, is more than enough to make me just too tired of bothering about anything, or to hate anyone... All that I reallY need is just roam for some fresh air to breathe and left alone from all the UgLy Sights in Life....

i wont wana Hate u, just dont ever appear in my life again....cos I never ever wana hear you say again, "I'll Never Break Your Heart".

_drunKards speAk the truth_

(22-01-05)
Im filled with guilt...
i really never meant to hurt him
i never knew he was this serious...
til last night....

RuiJ a name i prefer to call...
a cute looking guy who is also my classmate's ex bf.
We know of each others presence in the school,
but officially got to know each other and went out on(26 Dec 04).
I have to admit that he has been very nice to me all these while...
He never fails to give in to me everytime... I throw my tantrums...or say things that hurt. I know it does... but he has never get pissed off or show any anger on me... sometimes i just like to make pple angry...but he just appeared to be fine with everything...

I haven't been really take him seriously... cos my impression of him since long time ago is a playboy... no idea why either, could be the way he portray himself... So, i didnt put in much of feelings... to me im juz playing along... didnt think much of the other party. All these while, he has been giving most of the time... Giving love, care and concern... He has been telling me that he was serious; cos i tend to joke around saying that he is into flings and stuff... though i somehow know he is trying very hard to make me believe him... I know he meant it, cos i can feel it... but i just took it like as if it as a joke from him...

Sometimes i really wonder if there is some problem with me...he is so nice to me but yet sometimes i can be so cold and mean to him.... I thought he could takit...cos he seems to be strong, with his cool looking face...I thought I was right. Until he called me when he was drunk... I certainly hope it isn't something to gain my attention. But whatever the case is, everything he said when he was "drunk" made me feel so very bad about my attitude towards him in the past... i never knew that my words would have such an impact on him...
until.... drunkards speak the truth.

_a silent thought_

" Love is like a splinter that works inside u... It pricks, it hurts. It maKes You feel like you'll never wana love again. The pain so soundless, so unbearable..."

Love beYond explAnation....

you came into my life...
took my heart rip it apart...
left me alone to cry...
u hold me in your arms and say once again you love me....
u said your love was true...
u said you loved me wholeheartedly...
and then u walked away....
tell me that you love me...
tell me that you need me...
cos Ill never leave u and i will stay here with you....
my love for you is more than i can think...
Im just so in love with you....
after days and months that you have gone
we have both moved on...
we met many one the way..
had trials and love along the way...
but forever u will stay
a part of u just stays in me...
forever it will be....

our love may be short...our memories may be few...
but there is this little splinter working inside me that keeps me going on....
ive loved u and ive hated u...
and now i am still missing u...
love and hate is just less than a step away....
but i love you as much as i hate....
and i guess thats call love....
there is no reasons why i love u...
something i cant explain...
the shortest memories i had...
but yet forever imprinted in my heart....
you left and irremovable mark right in the centre of my heart...
an unforgettable mark...
and an eternal memory...

I wonder if i still love you after so long....
i really dont know...
as much as i wish i dont...
but the truth is in my heart.....

I ponder if u feel the same....
i wonder if you have completely moved on...
I wish i could say i have....
I wish i could say it out loud...
but my heart wrenches whenever i attempt....
cos the fact is cruel...
Im just so in love with you


_29 Feb 04_
_07 Mar 04_
_12 Mar 04_
_13 Mar 04_pool
_15 Mar 04_




_To someone whom i thought Ive never loved you but only to realise that Ive loved u the most N so much more than I thought I could give_
_Ive given you my fullest at the end though i know U dont_

_Masked_

There is this burning flame inside me, lost n helpless. Wats all these happening around me? I ask myself if its really me? I can trust no body no more... As the dawn cracks, its like the start of another cycle of another day, back to sch, seeing the same pple who seemed more lik strangers to u...even the one who seem to be closer to u is no exception...u see their true colors after so long. u feel so tired of seeing pple wearing masks...u wish u could smile or even laugh out loud feeling real for just that once, but u know u dont, u are just lik them, putting a false front. You see things so thorough, u understand so much...u wish u could just walk away...how much u wish u could. The reason being im holding myslf on is Myslf...to graduate and just walk out of this darkness...u never want to look back again...wher u finally see wat u truly are...
The only time u look forward to everyday is to walk out of that sch gate of yours N thats when u see the real u...No more hypocrisy. The feeling of trying to be someone u are not is tiring...so tiring. However u know its essential for u to do so. u can never be true to them.

@this point of time i suddenly wish u could be by my side. But its all so impossible, I cant turn myself back and I know Neither can U. I still miss u every now and then. Despite all that had happened in the past...Ive hated and Ive loved u... but its no longer important...I still wish u success in your career. Deep down in my heart I do look forward to seeing u again if ever there is a chance we will meet again at all. Want to know how are you getting on... But at the same, i wish ill never see you again...